Cow and Farm Animal Humor
Cow Jokes
The Basic Cow Joke
Did you hear about the clairvoyant cow? She could see into the future and the pasture.
Did you hear about the blonde that died drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, “I'll tell you, this mad-cow disease is really pretty scary. They say it's spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other cow replies, “Hell, I ain't worried. It don't affect us ducks.”
Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed-wire fence? It was
an udder disaster.
One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his cows. "Was it mad?" asks the other farmer. The first farmer replies, "Well, it wasn't very happy about it."
Two cows are standing in a field, One cow looks at the other and says,"Moo." The other cow looks back and says, "I was just going to say that."
The Extended Cow Joke
The Bull, the Vet, and the Pill
Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high-priced bull.
A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, “How’s our bull doing?”
Frank says, “Our bull ain’t doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don’t want nothing to do with them.”
The banker replies, “You better call the veterinarian.”
A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and asks, “How’s our bull doing now?”
Frank says, “Plenty darn good. He done serviced all the cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors’ cows.”
The banker says, “Wow! What did the vet give him?”
Frank says, “He gave him some pills.”
The banker says, “What kind of pills?”
Frank says, “I don’t know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint.”
Some Things You Just Can’t Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer replies, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things ya just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”
“But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked.
“None survived the branding.”
A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls, each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this.
The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows."
The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones."
The third bull, who was a bit smaller, says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up."
Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them.
The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty of mine."
The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine."
They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too.
He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It's a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
Kitchen Tips
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. (The other two are goulash and squid.)
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.